She walks into  the tiny room with the director. She feels like she has found the perfect job for her. Then they break it to her that taking the job will hurt the finances she already has.  She’s mad at the world.  Money isn’t everything but her bills say otherwise. So clearly she’s torn stay in the place that makes her hate her job or go and hurt the bank somewhere that may make her happy. Thats the thing will anything ever make her truly happy again. Depression sinks in she’s tired. Tired of trying. She knows it’s killing her all of it. The happiness, it’s all fake. If you were in her mind you’d be drowning. She hates life. She hates herself more than anyone else.  She’s stuck,  STUCK IN HER MIND FIGHTING HER WAY OUT AND LOSING.  ….


Living inside the lines

There’s right and there’s wrong.   I can honestly say that I think I’ve got it right. Everyone lives for the moment and for their own happiness. They have their life where they want it. Living in the moment sounds nice until you realize how people like me live. At an early age I was exposed to the principle that people will always let you down if you rely solely on others. The ever so popular fend for yourself. Here’s the thing life as adult is different. People say stop living for the past or just drop it. This is me… the past drives me to who I wanna be. It reminds me of who I had to be to get here and it shows me who I never wanna become. So I live to serve. Others. God. People. Children.  But I don’t live for me, you see I’m temporary. We are all temporary but when you live for yourself you only yes what you want. When you live for others you see it from all perspectives. Its beautiful. You can live inside the lines for yourself or you can live outside the lines for others. * just don’t tell my students this then they will think coloring outside the lines is what we’re supposed to do in life. They are age 5. 

Time to really let you go.

Once upon a time we spent birthdays together , yeah when we were an “us”. Today you turn 26, I don’t know what you look like or if you had a good birthday and for as many times ass I have said I was over you and what they did I haven’t been but this day was different. Yes I wondered ass bout you but I also felt a since of freedom from my thoughts.  I’ve decided to really let you go this time. I have decided to forgive your parents for how awful they made me feel and seem. I forgive them for pushing me away. Most of all I forgive myself for letting you go and holding on. Truth is I never thought I’d let you go. I know you will always hold a spot in my heart because you taught me how to love someone with my whole heart, to stand by someone no matter what, you taught me to detected the smallest problems, you taught me how to manage a house and finances, you taught me how to be a better cook and how to never let a man defrost chicken, most of all you taught me who I am and how important of a role that I play in GOD’S PLAN. I found the love of Jesus and God when running from my love for you. So thank you. This this is goodbye. My present to you is me letting go. Seems like more of a present for me.  I’m letting go and I feel good about it.  Now I’m going to live♡ 

Hold on to me.

  1. Why do we think so much?  When do we let ourselves relax of out own thoughts?  What is the reason I over think things??? Well I have always been the person to think about the possible outcomes of things. I have reached a point in which what I feel and what I know both feel wrong.  I feel like I need to set myself free and I felt like that for some time when you look at a person and you know that they love you and you try desperately to love them back but you just can’t do it anymore it’s hard to fix. Then the only person that you always turn to you to hold onto when you feel unsteady is making you Want something that you had before but you let go. when  I think as I love you I don’t think of the person that I’m supposed to think of I think of the person who has held one hand and let me through the darkest time. To see me at my worst and at my best and to still hold my hand and tell me that everything’s going to be okay when it’s over something as crazy as someone lying to you about what they eat for breakfast. when you compare everything he does that other person why are you even considering yourself happy.  maybe I’m a fool For wanting a break the but I think you know that you’re not him and I think it hurts you and it’s always hurt you but you’ve never said anything directly because you know that he ranks above you. The X Ambassadors have a song hold hold on to me and I fell in love with the song I listen to it at least once a day and I thought I just screamed how I feel. but really it’s how I feel about Him.

No answers for the Hatter.

What do you do when you feel like you have nothing left to give…  we are not what we were.. it’s like trying to force a fat man into small shorts. We’re not ready to say goodbye but we need to. To me your not him, and I’m not ready to accept that. No one compares to what I had with him. Happiness was never a second guess there, I’m not sure anyone will ever get my heart fully. To you I am not ever going to love and take care of you like you need me too.  We’re wrapped in a blanket of fears for each other but this isn’t love it can’t be because it no longer feels like it. I want to run from you and you insist on chasing.  I wish that I knew what this was but the Hatter doesn’t have answers for this one.

Life is a mental illness

She grew up to the sounds of unhappiness , screaming and yelling and always coming second, then she discovered that two people loved her more than anyone else. Years later she watched one of them die in the front yard and watched the other give herself to alcoholism, so she had pretty much lost them both she went on being the lost child, at least thats how she saw the world. She began to care for herself , tried harder work for many awards and helped others so that they never felt alone. her people never noticed… Her favorite moments in life led her to find herself helping a coworker come out of his shell. She fell in love with him along the way  and he loved her too,  but after she had planned out her whole future with him , she lost him too , she lost him to mental illness. she struggled relied on a close friend who she loved dearly then her trust in him was shattered when he ended up on the local news.  In the summer, someone came out of no where  he was mysterious and tall dark and handsome he became a part of her life , her best friend.  she met a guy in the fall who she wanted to love he was caring and funny, but he wanted to tell lies and make her crazy , she finds herself wondering if she will ever be happy again.

Through my looking glass

My speech class brings life to me it lets me Express what I want to talk about we had to write four speeches this semester. It has allowed me to see myself. On here I write my inner thoughts based experiences stuff that I want to see or stuff that I think butt in that class I get to restructure things the things I care about on Monday was my last speech I didn’t want something very near and dear to my heart which is Deaf culture growing up with a deaf brother who then married someone who is also death I’ve been exposed to a lot of difficulty in my life but for the first time in a while I caught a glimpse of myself of my writing of my passion. Every other speech I’ve gotten up there and I’ve been shaky and nervous and not able to fully admit myself into my speech. Monday was different I stood up to that podium fist clenched on the podium I had every point some that were supposed to be comical and those that were supposed to be serious and heartwarming and I could feel the thoughts and the room radiating off of people but that was me it’s what I was doing that’s what makes them was thinking it was amazing it made me think about Through the Looking-Glass they just announced on their land my whole life is like Alice in Wonderland