The Broken I Do…

It’s not easy to admit that you make mistakes especially not as big as the one I chose to make. When someone you once loved became someone you couldn’t stand and all they did was hurt you. It took someone else pulling you for you to leave.

Leaving isn’t easy at all it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do👌🏼

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Rewriting this story.

Younger verisons of me wrote a story  of a girl who could grow up and change the world but as time passed, the stories became more and more realistic to what would turn out to be the real story.

As a little girl, I didn’t dream of rainbows and unicorns. Instead, I layed awake at night hoping for a world where I could sleep without screaming and hearing things breaking.  Then their were years a dreamed and wished I would have had more time with the love ones I kept losing.. Eventually, It got to the point where I lived in a world of really not giving a damn. I had lost everyone who had hope I’d be anything and I didn’t care anymore thats when tough stuff got bareable. Living on the edge was like having a constant high except without the drugs.

It seemed simpler to just block it all out feelings, pain, yelling, and death. why hadn’t I thought of all that before ?  I guess it took being sexually assualted by someone you thought you knew even if it was for such a short time. That was easier to block out too because you were a wild child who was gonna believe you?

So it hardened your heart so you wouldn’t fall for foolishness as easily, over the next years it seemed you became somewhat of a harlot because why not be smart, and a sinner. Let people into your life but god forbid they get close enough for them to love you because those people always abbandon you, so you ran from yourself.

Left the you that  you wanted to be behind or rather hidden, became what everyone wanted you to be. Perfect. Giving. Smart. Educated. Kind. Loving.  It took everything to walk away from who you used to be to who everyone thinks you are. The years havent been kind. You have been scared to death to love someone on more than one occasion. You have made two angels. You have watched people die all around you. You have watched fires. You have said I do to a man you desperately want to love but something is holding you back.

You want to be the person who doesnt give a damn. Wild and free not responsibile and kind all the time. When you have hit another rock bottom and your not sure which way is up try to rewrite the story because if not you are left in misery.

little ones

Little people have a way of changing your life even when they aren’t yours. Walk into work and a little boy runs to you with love best feeling in the world. When they hurt you hurt. To care is to love.

The never ending story

Secrets lie deep within at times. 

The past does not define us, the future does. 

 Pain travels only through words.

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel has been there all along. 

The same song you have heard a million times suddenly has a new meaning today. 

To love someone is hard, it breaks your heart.

TO COPE

As I sit here listening to Humble &Kind by Tim McGraw.

I remember the person I was before all the death in my life, before all the abuse in my life, all the fights and tears, before my fears were life like. To be afraid of everything is to know all fear instead of knowing no fear. Its something many struggle with but is a silent diease. How do you cope with something so hard to speak of. How do you describe to someone that you are trapped in your thoughts saddening yourself by the minute. Some days come hard other days come unbarable. There is no trust behind depression there is no life behind depression. #copingwithlifelesslife 

Faint of heart. 

It’s been awhile. A very long while.  

You enter a room, there’s secrets and lies written all over the wall. 

He sits there with no words for you to understand just actions. The hurt is building all nd the tears are falling.

The carpet will catch it all when it falls. Who knew you’d be in second forever all days losing the race. 

What’s it for was he ever your first choice? 

I’ll always miss always miss apart me me that died with you.  I always miss apart of me that stayed with him when I left … I have one third left that will never be happy .  

It lives with faith but walks with pain.

True love is not for the faint of heart